Courage

Hi guys! Today’s post will be focused on a story I wish to share with all of you. As many of my readers know, I deal with multiple disabilities, as well as general social anxiety.

So, every other day at least, I go on a walk for about half a mile to visit a playground of the elementary school I attended. Not only does walking with my music clear my mind, but I find swinging on playground swings extremely relaxing. Considering how stressed I discover I can be at times, taking time out of my day to give myself fresh air is actually quite helpful.

When I swing for a bit, I catch a view of two teenage boys playing basketball, and immediately, I knew I wanted to participate. They had clearly just arrived as well, probably a few minutes before I did. So, while swinging, I tried to figure out the best way to approach them. Granted, I have huge social anxiety, and so even talking to strangers leaves me extremely nervous- regardless of age or anything.

After about twenty to thirty minutes, I finally gathered up the courage to speak to them. I asked them if I could play- after all, worst case scenario, they’d say no, right? In a surprising turn, the boys eagerly accepted my request, and I spent the next half hour in an intense game of basketball.

The thing is, social anxiety can control you, yes. However, if you summon enough strength in yourself to push past it, there’s no doubt you’ll regret it. Consider the worst possible thing that can happen: maybe you get told off or something. However, I would rather regret the things I do than the things I don’t do.

And that is how I found courage despite my anxiety.

[F] My Problem With 13 Reasons Why

Hi guys! So, lately, my Facebook feed has been buzzing with the release of the new Netflix series “13 Reasons Why”, and while I realize that many of my friends like the show, I would like to explain why I do not. I originally was advised by my counselor not to watch the show, and I have not seen more than twenty minutes worth of clips (my Mum and sister watched it). However, what I have seen warrants this post.

This blog post will have mentions of suicide/depression/self-harm!! Do not read this post if you cannot handle those topics!

So, as we all know, 13 Reasons Why is about a girl who commits suicide, and has a few cassette tapes- each side discussing her story and the people who wronged her, which led her to commit suicide.

I don’t know how to begin to describe the sheer amount of wrong I find with this.

First of all, I’ve lost a couple of people to suicide, one of them being my uncle. So I understand that suicide affects literally everybody- furthermore, I’ve tried to overdose once, because things had gotten extremely tough and I felt utterly hopeless.

Hannah Baker, the deceased, felt hopeless, yes. But the fact that she made these tapes? She deliberately wanted to ruin everybody elses’ lives following the demise of hers. She wanted revenge, essentially, because of the people who made her feel terrible. And that’s not okay material to have people be watching, especially in a world filled with so much hate and pain already. If the show had slipped in some sort of anti-bullying message (which, seems to be the basis of Hannah’s many reasons to want to commit), I would have given props to them.

The thing is, when you make an active decision, you need to take accountability for it. Hannah knew exactly what she was doing, and she had the ability at any point to stop making the audio recordings (as the suicide appeared to have been immensely planned out). She did not. Hannah Baker made the active choice to take her own life, and while the circumstances were extremely rough, she ended up taking her life.

I’m not trying to demean the people who have taken their life in any way- the fact Hannah placed intense blame on the people who hurt her is the issue I honestly have. Nobody should be forced to carry that burden in knowing they hurt somebody so bad, and they’re probably never going to overcome that struggle, especially in the manner Hannah emphasized her pain. Because blaming other people for a decision you made is not the way to go about your problems in this world.

[F] Why I Despise Bluestar

So, some people from the Warriors fandom have repeatedly asked me “Why do you despise Bluestar so much?”, and usually, I gave them a general answer. Today, I would like to go into why I think there’s a sheer amount of wrong with Bluestar as a character in the Warrior cats series.

I never always had a problem with Bluestar. In fact, I once viewed her as one of the most noble characters there was in the entire series.. then Bluestar’s Prophecy was released. And as I read the book, I tried my very best to keep an open mind. Problem is, you cannot really keep an open mind when everything you’ve been taught about clashes with everything you’re reading. Allow me to explain.

As an apprentice, Bluestar held a very major disdain for the duties she was being taught- I suppose the best word to sum it up is impulsive. She was too quick to judge a task (as seen with her practice of gathering moss for the elders) for what she thought it might be. That, in a sense, rubbed me the wrong way. Then the whole battle with WindClan occurred, and Bluestar’s mother, Moonflower, died by the claws of Hawkheart- a medicine cat.

This is the point when I lose all respect for Bluestar. The day she stopped focusing on her Clan for the sake of focusing on her losses, that is the day she became an invalid character.

When you have a major loss or death of a family member, it is perfectly natural to shy away from others and avoid them for some time. People (and cats, I guess) cope in their own individual way when a huge traumatic event like that happens. But you don’t spend three months or so avoiding all the things you need to do in your life just because something happened. You keep moving forward- and I’m grateful for Sunstar’s character because he quite frankly knocks sense into the apprentice.

Another thing that immensely irritated me was the whole deal with Thistleclaw. Not only was he loved by Bluestar’s sister, Snowfur, but he was also massively despised by Bluestar. For no good reason. All Bluestar saw was an arrogant warrior- and eventually that led him to being damned out of StarClan by Bluestar after she died. Her opinion sent a cat who technically never broke the warrior code to the Dark Forest.

Speaking of Snowfur, she eventually dies and Bluestar yet again abandons her loyalty and duties.

And then she falls in love with a RiverClan warrior.

I actually agreed with Goosefeather when he said “it is not your destiny to feel better” after Bluestar had kits and gave them up to Oakheart. Although the whole thing was against the code, Bluestar had the audacity to mourn a loss she never would have had to face if she didn’t do the deed.

So, I suppose that I have no sympathy for characters who waste their time on dwelling. Bluestar didn’t deserve to be leader, quite frankly, regardless of whatever prophecy might have existed for her. She wasted a majority of her life mourning instead of striving to be the best she could be.

That is why I don’t like her.

Cleaning Out My Phone!

Hey guys! So, today, I’ve decided to clean out my phone of unused applications and replace them with ones I actually am interested in using. I will be going over how I decide which applications to remove and whatnot. For those of you who don’t know, I’m an avid user of social media, so most of that will be staying…

My Set-Up Beforehand!

So, right off the bat, I can automatically tell you guys which applications I will be keeping for various reasons..

Amino- Amino is a great application in my opinion because it connects you with communities of your own personal interest. I am involved in quite a few, and as there’s no known website for the application, I will definitely be keeping it on my phone for the time being!

Facebook- Whenever I’m out and about, I prefer to keep Facebook on hand just in case somebody needs to contact me. In addition to that, I tend to snap photos and it’s easier for me to upload them from my phone as opposed to going onto my laptop.

Instagram- Instagram is staying because some of my friends are on Instagram as opposed to other messenger services. Plus, I frequently upload my photos to Instagram as well.

Notes- I absolutely need Notes because I use them for my Instagram caption layouts and I keep random thoughts of mine there. It’d be a bad idea for me to remove it.

SnapChat- I debated on this one for a while. Although I am not too terribly fond of SnapChat and had deleted it last time, I’ve decided to keep it because I talk to a wide variety of friends on there.

Tumblr- Much like Instagram, I’m keeping tumblr because I have a rather broad following on the account I have there. I often check my phone first thing in the morning, so if I receive an ask on tumblr, I’ll be able to check it right away as opposed to logging into a slow laptop.

Twitter- Even though I’m still iffy on Twitter, I’ll be keeping the application because I like to see what’s going on in the world and Twitter is often where I receive a good majority of news, believe it or not.

MediBang- I tried to remove this one. I really did. Honestly, though, this application is where I make most of my digital drawings and although I’ve tried other ones, I cannot tear myself away from MediBang. It stays.

Wattpad- I’m trying to grow my writing skills and therefore, I am keeping Wattpad because I would like to keep track of the story statistics I have on there. I might end up removing it if my story doesn’t go well.

LuckyCactus- I got this application on a whim a few months ago, and it’s honestly something I have yet to try out for legitimacy. For now, I’ll keep it around.

Block Hexa- This game is a puzzle game, and I actually love it! It keeps me busy and it focuses my mind as necessary.

Solitaire- Much like Block Hexa, this is a game I enjoy playing. It’s great for passing the time, too!

Etsy- Even though I’ve only ordered from Etsy a few times, their products have never once failed me. Considering that I’m looking to do a bit of shopping this week, I figured I’d keep Etsy on the list.

AliExpress- This application has a ton of bargain items! It would be extremely unwise of me to remove it. I have yet to order from them, but I’m keeping my mind open for now.

Messenger- Facebook Messenger is my go-to platform, basically. I use it excessively to talk to friends, and I know I’ll definitely need it when I’m out and about.

Skype- In case Facebook Messenger fails, at least I got Skype. 😛

Music- I refuse to go on walks without any means of music.

Which Applications Are Being Removed?

Deal Or No Deal / Legendary / Monopoly / Trivia Crack / Wheel of Fortune- These games never really grabbed my sole interest and so I will be removing them.

YouTube- Even though I use YouTube excessively, I think using it while on my walks is extremely troublesome- especially for my battery and data plan. Plus, I can’t really visit other social media while listening to videos so there’s that.

Ebates / CheckOut 51 / ibotta / RetailMeNot / ReceiptHog- I tried to get into all of these, but they simply required too much effort on my part.

Scrabble Free- I’m not into word game spam. I have the bad habit of starting a bunch of games then getting overwhelmed by notifications.

Wish / Amazon / Ebay / Walmart / GroupOn- I prefer to stick to a select few shopping applications.

Discord- Now this one will come as a shock, because I use Discord often. But the thing is, I’m in so many Discord groups with multiple channels that it’s too troublesome for me to select which ones I want notifications from and whatnot. So I find it best to save Discord usage for when I’m at home.

My New Set-Up!

17968769_150226575508758_372766451_o

Why Do I Isolate Myself?

Hi guys! So, for those of you who don’t know, I’m still accepted submissions for questions to answer. Also, because lately, I notice I’ve been rather isolating myself, I wanted to get into the topic of why I do that..

So, I’m quite frankly somebody who does not take bad news well- who does? But when it comes to coping with such situations, I tend to isolate myself from other people. I draw in all of my pain towards myself- which can be seen as extremely self-destructive (and it is), and not many people really ever understand why.

The reason why I isolate myself is not because I don’t want the support. Because honestly, I do need the support more than anything and it’s the number one thing that I seriously want in desperate times. But there’s multiple factors that are involved.

One of them is that I have been hurt many times by people I thought I trusted. Every time I have tried to allow the majority of people into my life, I believe I’ve been turned away the times I did need somebody, whether they were busy or didn’t care or whatnot. So, I feel as if my problems will be better solved if I keep them to myself.

Another reason I isolate is because I don’t like to bother people with things that are upsetting me. It partially is because I believe that if somebody wants to fix something, they shouldn’t complain about it, and I do my absolute best to hold true to that very ideal. Plus, I just feel worse whenever I talk about my situations, because either the person pities me or tries to solve it and that’s the last thing I want.

The third reason is that chances are, the problem has been solved and I just needed to stew about the remains of it. It’s honestly a strange concept, but after I finish dealing with a situation, I find myself needing to share it as if it was still going on. Somehow, I think it makes it feel more valid and perhaps might make me feel stronger about solving it.

I’m not trying to push away or hurt other people. I isolate in desperate times because I don’t want to bother anybody. And so, I usually don’t.

Flawed Actions

Hi guys! So, as I stated in the previous blog post, I’m going to be writing out a bunch of the things that I am asked in a blog post- for example, why I struggle with social concepts. However, before I start going into the list, I wanted to remove all forms of doubt about my purpose here.

I’m not telling you guys that my disabilities serve as an excuse. Like, if I did something absolutely terrible and I ended up in big trouble for it, the last thing I’d want to do is say “well, my disability made me do this”. Because quite honestly, I’m still accountable for my actions- as I should be. It always irks me immensely whenever I watch a crime show and individuals who are guilty of murder emphasize on the fact that they have a mental disorder, so they’re off the hook. Honestly, that to me should be a huge no-no in our society, as it seems to be a continuing trend.

The reason I’m writing the upcoming blog posts is primarily to explain to the world (or at least, my followers) why I do or say or act on certain things. I look forward to this journey. ❤

Introduction of the Blue Jay!

Hi guys!

For those of you who do not know me, my name is Ayla! I am an 18 year old woman living and loving life in Alaska, USA, but I deal with a multitude of different disabilities on a day-to-day basis. I was diagnosed with high-functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and mild Bipolar Disorder in July 2016, while I’ve dealt with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and general Anxiety throughout my entire life.

In time, I’ve come to accept my disabilities, but I also act differently to situations than other people might. I tend to grow attached to people and ideas far more than what can be considered normal, and I have a lot of different ideas and thought processes. My general concepts can usually be emphasized through writing, which is why I’ve started this blog.

I want people who don’t have my mindset to understand where I’m coming from on a variety of topics. So, here’s to a lovely future! 😀